Dear Dr Kim
I have a terrible problem. I am a woman – and a fully grown one. The problem is that my vocal cords tend to make a lot of noise whenever I am having sex with my husband in our bedroom. I have two teenage children – a boy and a girl. It embarrasses me. I can tell from their looks every morning that they know that Daddy and Mommy were making another child. My daughter who is 16 even asked me at some point if I am okay… What should I do? How do I stop all these noises?
Dear Anne
Thank you for sharing.
I must say right from the onset that there is nothing wrong with a married woman producing certain decibels of natural sound during a sexual act. It’s a natural, animal-like response to a feeling of happiness – or pain. It is normal to lose control of your body as a woman during sex with your husband at which point the somatic nervous system relaxes and the sounds that come out as a result are unimaginable.
However, there are a few people who might be faking the man just to please the husband. Sometimes women over-exaggerate noises not to rapture the ego of a partner. Men love this. Having said this – I can tell from your letter that yours is a genuine moan – and it’s embarrassing you. I am surprised that you husband seems not to mind the moaning even with the kids (just thinking).
It must be tough for you, especially in the African setting where bedroom matters are a taboo to discuss with children – let alone allow a low tone moan sip through the walls of the master bedroom. All of us are brought up in a setting where the children are not supposed to even imagine Dad and Mum having sex. Of course Dad and Mum have sex – but it’s supposed to be their little secret.
Some married women are naturally quite restrained – and would go about bedroom matters in complete silence. Others like you like to advertise. Anne, remember that these kinds of noises could be a way of reassuring your husband that he is pleasing you. You use all of your senses to have sex, and your audial senses should not be ignored!
The main issue revolves around the kids. I propose you and your husband engage in sex only when the kids are away, or deeply asleep. The other option would be to find a house with the children’s bedroom located kilometers away from your bedroom.
I know a few couples who have installed soundproof material reminiscent of a studio to solve such problems. This is something you should consider especially if you have the money.
The simplest solution, however, would be to bury your head into the pillow anytime you feel like you are loud – but again you must be careful lest you suffocate yourself. And if your kids are old enough – you should consider renting them a small house just next to yours to save you from the embarrassment of having to look at their questioning eyes every morning.